capitalgee

Finally...Capital G...HAS COME BACK...to the INTERNET!!! That's right bitches, I'm finally back online. More on this story later.

So...I would like to continue my rant that I started and halfway finished last night when I was drunk and sleepy. Basically, I just don't understand how some people don't know what they want. I don't think that's really true. People who say they don't know what they want are really just scared to get what they want. They know what they want but they don't believe it can happen. And then when it looks like it might happen, they back away because they feel like it can't be real. They would rather believe that it can never happen than to take the chance and see if it really will. To me...that is not only cowardly but unjust. It is so not only to the other person but to yourself. That person loses out on the chance at real happiness, but moreso you'll always cheat yourself of your dream.

But maybe I just say this because I have a hard time dealing with rejection even though I've had enough of it in my life. I'm used to it and there's always someone else that wants me or that I can talk to. What if I don't want anyone else? I always wonder...what she's doing...where she is...who she's with...what she's thinking about...me or someone else...her art, her body, her temple...does she think what I think...does she feel how I feel...will I ever know... These thoughts occupy my mind constantly. But never fret, that which does not kill me can only make me stronger. I will survive.

God bless the child that can hold its own.

So, for about a day I've been in deep thought about this subject. How the fuck can someone NOT know what the fuck they want? I mean...seriously. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard this shit from a girl, I'd be a billionaire. Who walks around just confused like that. Something or someone comes along and you're just like, "You know...I just really don't know what I want out of life right now." A good friend on mine tried to explain the shit to me. She told me females have to do that shit. They're greedy. They have their, "give me my cake so I can eat it too." complex. Well fuck...I think the name of this entry says it all. I mean, if something good comes along for you, take it. By all means, go with sommething in your favor. Work with those who wish to work with you because I promise those people will be few and far between.

With every turn...loneliness follows...

Before I start this rant I would just like to point out that I'm pretty sure I have anger management problems. I tend to get really upset when I shouldn't be that angry and not get mad enough whenever I have a legitimate right to be angry.

With that being said...I'm pretty pissed off. Well...I don't think I'm as pissed as I am confused. I don't understand how she can claim to like you, claim to care about you, says that she is feeling and doing things with you that she hasn't felt like doing in a long time. And yet, when it came down to it, she cast you to the street like gutter trash. As if everything that happened meant nothing...like she was humoring you. She said that she's made alot of people cry with her selfish ways as if that justifies her actions. She says that you knew what you were getting into when this started so she bears no guilt and shoulders no blame. Yet she doesn't trust anyone because she's been fucked over too many times!?!? Things that make you say hmm... Ever since that night when she went out with her old "friend" and came back late she's been acting funny. Even Zor noticed it. You haven't been intimate with her since then either. She told you last night it didn't "feel" right. Put it together! Are you really that stupid!? But at the same time, what can you say? She said nothing happened so you have to take her word for it right? You have to trust her...right? Wrong. She doesn't trust you because you flirt. But you never did anything suspicious. She's been acing suspicious for the last week. She didn't even call just to see how you were doing today. Just to say hello. She said she'd be woman enough to admit if anything happened...but do you really believe her? It's such fucking bullshit. You think you meet someone of character, substance if you will. Someone that believes in something so they won't fall for anything. Someone who interests you, stimulates you, even motivates you to do the things which you love that you never take part in. But they let their fears, doubts, and inhibitions cloud their judgment and destroy and chance of creating something beautiful and worthwhile. How can ANYONE live like this!?!? It is foolish. Too scared to try. Too doubtful to believe. That mindframe is pointless and will accomplish nothing. You might as well have stopped living if you have chosen to live in the darkest recesses of your own emotional terror.

On a lighter note, I would like to thank Zor for being there for me. I know I haven't always been the greatest friend, and let's be honest you haven't either mother fucker! But fuck all that. That's my boy, my nigga, my heart, my brother and I would do anything for that nigga I could. That's loyalty. That's how deep my shit runs. And I know he'd do the same for me. That's that love you only get from being down and real with someone from the beginning. Zor's one person in my circle of I would do anything for. Rob, kill...even die. That may sound extreme, but think about this. If you don't have someone or something that you're willing to die for, then why are you living?

Maybe I'm just overreacting again. I'm feeling a myriad of mixed emotions, but I'm really more hurt than anything. I can't even listen to my new favorite band in the car anymore.

This is my first entry in my live journal. This is the first time I've ever used something like this mostly because I despise the concept of it. Well...I can't say this is the first time. I used to have a page on xanga, but I only had that page to attack and keep tabs on someone whom I now regard as my brother. It was selfish and stupid and people on xanga only post to feed their self-righteousness egos. This isn't true of everyone because some very close people to me have xanga pages. But most of them only write for the purpose of self glorification. They don't write anything meaningful for themselves. They don't write the to express the art form that true penmanship is. They use their words for destruction rather than creation and it's sickening. But perhaps...in that destruction they find meaning in their lives. It's truly frightening to think people actually feel this way...but who am I to judge? I myself am guilty of this. This is why I despise this kind of...bloging. Yet, I'm still here...I need a pen and paper...

Current Mood: good things are coming
Current Music: 2Pac - When I Get Free